Dating in your "Golden Years"

  Time flies, to say the least!  I'm going to be 70 on my next birthday.  I'm so grateful,  but how the heck did that happen?  I lost my Mom when she had just turned 64.  She was so young and beautiful.  I am blessed to be here but turning 70! Crazy!

  I've been divorced for many years.  My ex-husband and I got divorced when our daughter was in second grade. Our marriage was my ex-husband's second marriage.  When we met he had a three year old daughter.  So when I gave birth to my daughter she was blessed to have a sister seven years older than her.  This complicated our divorce.  It was heartbreaking to separate these sisters.  But we could not stay married.  In the long run it would have hurt my daughter and step-daughter to witness an unhappy marriage.    

Now to present day.  I have been dating a wonderful man for seven years.  He is turning 76 in November.  His wife passed away about 18 years ago.  We met on a dating site.  Before I started dating my boyfriend I had had a seventeen year relationship.  I loved my former boyfriend very much but we had family issues that kept us from ever getting married and making a life together.  Towards the end of our relationship we were still so close,  like best friends.  I still had strong feelings for him but so much got in the way of us having a future together.  I started dating and met my present boyfriend.  A few months into our relationship I was devastated.  My ex-boyfriend passed away suddenly.  I couldn't believe what had happened nor could I handle it.  It was destroying me in so many ways.  I could barely function.  My every waking moment was consumed with thoughts of him and what had happened and possibly what could have been if we did try somehow to make our relationship work.  My former boyfriend's passing really put a strain on my relationship with my present boyfriend.  It was very tough for quite a while.  Thanks to an amazing therapist I learned to live with the grief from this loss and was able to continue my relationship with my boyfriend.    

photo via prostooleh@freepik

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

The older we get I guess the more baggage we have.  I once heard someone say that "you met a good man when he helps you unpack!"  I recently was speaking to a divorced woman who is 50 years old.  She said to me that she never wants to get married again.  She would like to meet someone who she can date but not live with. Then I was speaking with a woman in her late sixties.  She said why would a man want a woman who is 67 when he could date someone in her fifties.  Chemistry is still Chemistry.  When two people meet there is either a connection or not.  I really don't think your age is a major factor.  And maybe that man in his late sixties or seventies is looking for someone closer to his age because it just feels right!  There are times when I enjoy my alone time and don't feel the need to have a mate.  But there are more times that I do feel the need and desire to have a partner.   I know we all have different wants and needs and the answer to dating in our golden years is not the same for everyone. 

I watched The Golden Bachelor the other night.  I was loving every minute of it.  Gerry the bachelor is so genuinely kind and just real!  The show was so inspiring!  The women are between the ages of 60-75.  They were alive!  They had spunk!  And they wanted a chance at love again!  They looked great,  and yes they looked their age,  and they shined.  I'm sure some of them had a little help with cosmetic procedures but more power to them.  You go girls!  And Gerry thought that the women were beautiful.  He didn't seem to be looking for a 50 year old.  I can't wait to watch the whole season. 

I realize that there are different reasons why women want to date.  What are your reasons?  Or are you content being on your own?  No judging!  We are all individuals with our own wants and needs!  

It's Complicated! 

photos via freepik

 

Non-dating!

I had the best time yesterday!  I went on a non-date!  I went out for lunch and a walk with a man that I am not dating.  We are just friends.  I do like him and maybe I would rather be on a regular date with him but that is just not going to happen any time soon!  So non-dating it is!
Well, there is a lot to be said for non-dating.  You don't have to get obsessive with your hair and make-up.  It doesn't really matter what you wear.  You can go on a last minute date without showering!  You are not being judged, approved or disapproved!  It's not a real date!
  We went for a really nice walk.  I could basically talk about anything I wanted to because I didn't have to impress this man.  So I showed him the prettiest house that we were passing and told him that I would love to live in that particular house.  But, then I changed my mind when I saw a smaller, cozier one with a fenced in yard for my dog!  I asked him if he could please buy the house for me.  I could ask him anything.  We are non-dating!
  Then we went for lunch.  He treated.....the gentlemanly thing to do.  I sort of offered but kind of knew that he would treat.  If he let me pay I would have been upset on this non-date.  We went for Chinese food.  It was so good!  And he said "this is a non-date so you can drink your soup from the bowl"  (plastic take-out bowl).  Well I did and I felt so comfortable eating with him because whether he likes me or not, it doesn't matter.  We are non-dating!
I think I know most of the dating rules but I am still trying to figure out the rules of non-dating.  Does one kiss after a certain number of non-dates?  Does that make it a date?  Well,  I guess only time will tell and a few more non-dates!  We did hug good-bye and I did ask him to take me to the Bahamas for a non-date vacation!  I can ask for anything!  He will probably say no but who knows.......one day he might say "Yes!"

Did you ever go on a non-date?



p.s.  for all of you non-daters out there here is a song of inspiration for you........

I wrote this little post in 2014.

Dating tips for single women, 1938

Hi ladies, 

These are so funny.  Just had to share with you.  Hope you enjoy them!

(from a magazine in 1938.)

These are via Retronaut.

Couger Town

Wrinkles and the Younger Man

Embrace your age with confidence and he will, too.

by Maggie Arana & Julienne Davis

Photograph: iStock

Maggie Arana and Julienne Davis, authors of Stop Calling Him Honey and Start Having Sex, reassure us that when it comes to love, age ain’t nothing but a number.

You’re worried because he’s younger. We all know worrying never helps anything—especially in the case of dating a younger man. You shouldn’t be focusing on negative thoughts. Thoughts like: “I’m not as fit as he is. Can he see my wrinkles? My cellulite? My stretch marks? Every time I look at an attractive woman who’s younger than me, I worry a little that he’s going to trade me in for her, or someone like her. And what will happen when I really start looking old?”

Be positive and look at why he chose you in the first place. You are interesting and fascinating to him. He thinks you are hot. He admires your wit, your intelligence, and yes, your experience. So, when was age mentioned here?

Exactly. It wasn’t.

The more you focus on your age, the more he will focus on your age. What you need to be thinking about is the great aspects of you: your life, your interests, and all of what makes up who you are that is wonderful. In our book, Stop Calling Him Honey…and Start Having Sex!, we have a chapter called “Stay Separate to Stay Together.” In it we discuss how important it is to maintain who you are in a relationship and how many of us lose ourselves within a partnership. We end up becoming two halves of a whole, rather than remaining two whole separate people that come together in a partnership. That is a true partnership. Anything less is co-dependency.

Obsessing about being older is not you being a whole, independent and confident person. He compliments you, but he doesn’t complete you. And if you are with him because of the ego boost you get from “dating a younger guy,” or because you are trying to “cling to your youth” by doing youthful activities that you don’t feel confident enough to do on your own, then you may want to rethink things. If you want to go out and go surfing, or clubbing, or whatever it is, then do it!  You don’t need to cling to someone else’s youth as an excuse to do these things.

Go out and have the confidence to do whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself. It’s fabulous that he is full of life, and the fact that he’s young and hot is a bonus, a mere compliment to your already full life. The focus for both of you needs to be who you are as people underneath it all – having nothing to do with the chronological years. After all, any true relationship should be experienced on a deeper more intimate level than having it be about age. So, if you are with him because he’s young, and you love running around boasting to all your girlfriends that you “have a toy boy,” then maybe you need to look at why you are with him. Are you being ageist? Because if that is the case, then is it no wonder that you are obsessing about the fact that you are “older” than he?

If the relationship is truthful, you should love him for the person he is, and you should love yourself for who you are, right now. Not who you were 10 or 20 years ago. Love yourself for all that you are: your age, your experience…your wisdom. You’ve made it this far and you need to feel good about that. Wrinkles, age spots, cellulite… does it really matter? Embrace yourself with confidence, and he will too.

Dating Over Fifty

Hi Ladies,

I have been discussing this subject with my girlfriends as of late because I wanted to write about dating over fifty. Actually my friends and I discuss it quite often.

First I want to say that there are many women over fifty that are quite happy with their lives and do not feel the need to date. Maybe they have never been married and are just fine with that or maybe they have been married and are loving their new found freedom.
With that being said so many of us ladies over fifty are dating again. Dating today is not like it was years ago. There are so many different ways to meet someone. There is introduction, joining groups (to learn a sport, dance, hobby, new language). Then there is going out with your girlfriends for dinner or drinks. Even if you do not meet someone it is still enjoyable to sit and chat with your friends. And of course there is online dating. Years ago we did not have online dating. I think the personals was the equivalent. You looked at them in privacy. It wasn't something that you would talk about. Now online dating is something that is very, very acceptable. In fact it is a very good option. There are so many dating sites available. The ones that come to mind are JDate and Match.com.
I asked one of my friends what she thought of dating over fifty and she used three words to describe it: complicated, interesting, and liberating. Another friend said that "It sucks". Well in my opinion I think besides being in your early twenties that being in our fifties is a wonderful time to date. I was reading what someone wrote about dating in our fifties. That men come with baggage. I mentioned that to my friend Beth. She said "it is not called baggage, it is called life". That is a good thing! We have been living life and we bring that with us to a new relationship. We have stories to tell. Good conversation. Life experiences. Most of our children are well on their way to being independent. We don't have to hire a babysitter! We can go out dancing for the evening and not worry about having to drive the babysitter home. We will not get phone calls from crying children. We can stay out past midnight and our coach will not turn into a pumpkin! And maybe we can still find our prince. People have found their true loves later in life. I know of a women who reconnected with a man that she went to high school with and they ended up getting married. Another of my friends has had numerous relationships and now is engaged to the love of her life! She didn't get discouraged. She learned from the relationships that she had and forged on to meet the man of her dreams. Yes she finally met the man of her dreams in her fifties. Many of us got married the first time around for all the wrong reasons.
It's exciting to meet new people and possibly find that special man. Not everyone has had immediate luck with dating again, but it can be fun. My friend Heidi said "you have to open yourself up to being in a new relationship". Yes that is so true. If you do not have an open mind then it will be near impossible to get close to anyone. Of course the best way to meet someone is by introduction. Although I've had two blind dates that were horrendous. You have to laugh it off and try again. Ladies this time around we are not looking to have children (my factory closed years ago). I think we are looking for a best friend. Someone to share life with. Someone to enjoy good food with. Someone to see wondrous sights with. Someone to take walks with and discuss the movie the two of you just saw. Someone to go to a concert with or a Broadway show. There are fun times to be had.. Ladies, that person is out there. As corny as it sounds your soul mate is waiting!
But be safe when you go on a date. Meet in a location where there are other people. Don't give out too much personal information until you know that you can trust this person. And for online dating don't put personal info in your profile like your phone number.
If you enjoy communicating with someone that you have met online then eventually that will lead to a date. When my friends go on blind dates they always tell me where they are going and we keep in touch until they are home safe. Don't get drunk.....you have to be in control if the date is not good and you have to leave. Also, have enough money with you......for whatever reason don't be stranded without any money. And don't let any man force you into having sex on a first or second date or for that matter until you want it too. If the chemistry is there then it will stay there and wait until you are ready!
Ladies when it comes to sex be safe. Before you have sex with a new person both people should be tested. Also until you are sure that the relationship is monogamous use condoms. Don't take a chance, it is not worth it! If a man does not agree with you then he is not worthy of having you for a girlfriend.
Remember take your time, be sensible but have fun. This is a new exciting chapter in your life.
It is not easy to start dating again but it is going to be worth the effort! As my friend Heidi said it is important to have an open mind. If you are in a social situation like a restaurant and you are approached by someone that has also caught your eye it is okay to flirt. Flirting is a good thing. Be friendly and give off signals that you want to socialize. But don't act desperate and throw yourself at someone. I think that a man is ultimately looking for the same thing that we are looking for. And I think that if a first date goes pretty well then a second date is in order. You may not fall head over heels on the first date but if you have a nice feeling about the man then you never know, feelings sometimes grow as you get to know someone better. Don't be discouraged, keep your options open, enjoy this new experience......we are over fifty and fabulous and have so much to look forward to!!!!

If you have any thoughts on the subject.......please post them so we can talk........Elyse Rose